Muppet Trek
by Me
Summary: Kirk, Spock, and McCoy find themselves on the Muppet Show in place of their actors, thanks to some transporter mixup.


This was turned into a story after I submitted this script idea on muppetcentral dot com a while back. Given that the first movie was in 1980 or so, this could very easily have been a 6th season episode. Unfortunately, I don't recall minor Muppet characters (and maybe some major ones) enough to do them really well, but I hope you enjoy this anyway.

Now it's a genuine crossover, instead of just the actors becoming the characters.

Muppet Trek

Miss Piggy entered William Shatner's dressing room. "Oh, Mr. Shatner, only two minutes till show time."

She'd expected the actor, but instead, Captain James T. Kirk was there. "Huh? "I'm Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise. Who are you?" As sometimes happened on The Muppet Show, things were about to get as odd as some of his missions.

"Oh, this will be even better…" Miss Piggy cleared her throat, anxious to get into an act with a celebrity who was as big a star as Miss Piggy felt she was. "Knowing your superb talent, and moi's own exceptional talents, I thought we could perform together."

"Perform? I could try, but…I don't understand. Where's Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy? Where's my ship?"

"Oh, thank you, thank you! This is going to be so wonderful. It can be just you and me, in a romantic scene for the ages!"

Kirk was more than a little concerned as she left. "Yeah." Once she was gone, he muttered, "That was a…pig. This is a strange planet."

The opening theme to the show was played, and at the end, a photon torpedo came out of Gonzo's trumpet and blasted a gaping hole in the back of the wall. Meanwhile, backstage, Kermit the Frog's nephew, Robin, was super-excited.

Robin was holding some Spock ears - large pointed ones. "Did you get him, Uncle Kermit, did you get him?" he asked eagerly.

"I sure did, Robin. Happy birthday."

"Oh, thank you, Uncle Kermit, you're the best!" He gave him a big hug, then sat on the desk with his Spock ears as Piggy walked up to them. "Now, before Leonard Nimoy comes, I just have to…oh, no!" He was suddenly crestfallen.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't put these Spock ears on; frogs don't have ears."

"Oh," Kermit said, suddenly realizing it himself. "Well, we'll find something," he said with confidence.

Sam, a patriotic eagle spoke solemnly. "Does he understand that the actor doesn't always wear those ears himself?" Kermit assured him that he'd told Robin this, but Robin was unsure if he believed Kermit.

"Piggy, will you take care of this, I need to get out and introduce Mr. Shatner."

" Oh, don't worry about that," she said, looking as if trying to woo him. "Scooter is there to introduce him and our presentation of '2001.' I just have a little favor to ask of vou." She saw Gonzo walking to the stage, and gave him a look. "Go on, and don't mess up the HAL9000 thing!" Back to Kermit, she said, "Now, dear Kermee, Willy and I wish to perform the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet."

Kermit didn't know what to say – Miss Piggy always seemed to be up to something. "Well…er…I don't know…I mean…Willy?"

"All right, bub," she said in her more aggravated voice, "let me put it another way. We're doing the scene!"

"Well, er, I…don't think that would be a good idea."

"Why? And if you say anything about me trying to hog the stage…"

Robin knew how Kermit felt about Miss Piggy, and tried to keep him from getting a knuckle sandwich. "Maybe Uncle Kermit's jealous?"

"Oh, Robin, thank you," Piggy said sweetly.

"Yeah, thanks, Robin," came Kermit's very sarcastic reply.

" But, you do not have to worry," Piggy assured them. "The chances of moi wanting to run away with the fabulous James T. Kirk and appear on Star Trek are quite slim. My heart will always be with you."

"Well, Piggy…if you really want to go, why don't you?"

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" she asked.

Kermit shook his head and waved his hands. "No; look, Piggy, this could be your big break, the next Star Trek movie. If you don't go with him you'll regret it. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but soon. And for the rest of your life." Mr. Spock walked up to them, with Robin looking very excited. "The lives of three…well…"

"Sentient beings," Mr. Spock suggested.

"Yeah, the lives of three sentient beings aren't worth a hill of beans in this crazy world." Kermit suddenly looked at him. "It's Leonard Nimoy."

"I do not know to whom you are referring," Mr. Spock said as he handed Robin an autographed photo of Leonard Nimoy. "I understand you are Robin Frog. A…puzzling looking creature told me to give this to a young frog." He looked at his surroundings. "The beings in this place are fascinating."

"Why…thanks." He suddenly noticed something strange. Having just turned six, he still expected him to look the same as on TV. He'd just been told the actor wouldn't have his ears on. But, this person was a little green, and wearing Spock ears. "But, wait; I thought you wouldn't have your ear."

Mr. Spock stood up straight, trying with his best Vulcan logic to understand that sentence. He couldn't. "You felt that I would not have any ears. That is most illogical."

"I'll leave you two to discuss that; I have a show to run." Kermit walked onto the stage. "Hi, ho, Kermit the frog here. Tonight's special guest is William Shatner, as you saw in that first sketch…"

Captain Kirk poked his head out the curtain, in a spacesuit holding his helmet. "Are you the one they call Kermit?" Kermit nodded. "Some creature named Scooter introduced me, and told me to talk to you afterward. I was hoping you'd come sooner."

"Why is that?" Kermit asked, a little confused. Either the performers were trying to be totally in their Star Trek roles, or something very weird had happened.

"Because, this…purple guy with a hook for a nose kept hurling…chickens… out of a cannon!" Kirk complained, putting emphasis in unusual places. "And when I went to disconnect that HAL9000…he jumped me and got me in a chokehold till I gave in."

"Sorry; Gonzo can get like sometimes."

"I did find my crew. Well, except for a red shirted ensign who was last seen being chased by a nine foot walking carpet."

Kermit nodded. "That would be Sweetums. He's harmless."

"Look, I don't care what his name is, where are we and where is my ship?" Kirk demanded.

"Well, we're trying to find that out. In the meantime, could you do us a favor? We've got a variety show here, and we were expecting some performers."

Statler, one two hecklers in the balcony, turned to his friend Waldorf. "He better just give up. We've been expecting performers for years."

Kirk sighed. He didn't like it, but the place did seem harmless enough. "Well, I guess we have no choice. I hope my second number goes better." He quickly closed the curtain.

"It will, I promise. Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to introduce - well, I think it's actually Captain Kirk - and our own piano player, Rowlf, as they perform Space Oddity.

Rowlf was in a corner of the stage playing and singing, with Kirk in a spaceship on earth. Things went normally for a while. Spock and Dr. McCoy entered behind Rowlf. Kirk did various things as an astronaut in the ship as Rowlf sang the words. Kirk counted down from 10 to 0, the spaceship gave a burst of fuel, suddenly the ship was far above the earth with a starry background.

Then, things got very, very strange.

"Ground control to Major Tom, you've really made the grade!" Rowlf sang. "And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear…"

"That is not logical," Spock noted.

"What are you talking about?" McCoy inquired.

Looking at the ship's doctor while standing erect, Spock said, "The news media would be interested in how he trained and in the mission; not in his clothing."

McCoy scoffed. "Come on, Spock, the song has an aesthetic value because of lines like this! He's a famous astronaut, he's done a great job, and now Major Tom is not only going to be surrounded by lots of reporters and fame, he's going to have a whole lot of endorsement deals when he gets back to Earth!"

"In that case, it would be more logical to sing that the papers will cover him in depth, and that the advertisers wish to know whose shirts he wears."

"Oh, knock it off!"

Trying hard to maintain order, Rowlf said, "Look, if we can get on with the song this way I'll do it." He sang the following very quickly to fit it into the time. "And the papers plan to cover you in depth and the advertisers want to know whose shirts you wear. Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare."

Kirk floated out into space, speaking more than sings his lines - which is good because he's a poor singer. Then…"For here am I sitting in a tin can far above the world," he sang. "Planet Earth is blue. And…hey, wait, I don't like this defeatist attitude!"

"Just do the song, Jim," McCoy said.

"Bones, you know James T. Kirk never loses. Why, I once reprogrammed the computer in the Kobiyashi Maru experiment at Starfleet – I'm the only person ever to cheat the computer on that one." He began to work on the ship as he sang that his spaceship knew where to go.

"What's he doing?" Rowlf asked as Kirk tinkered with the ship and, somehow, the set, and the ship somehow returned to earth.

"I am uncertain," Spock said. "However, I find it unsettling that an astronaut would find floating to be peculiar. The amount of time he would spend in a weightless environment preparing…"

McCoy almost shouted. "Spock, will you knock it off! It's peculiar because he figured he would return to earth, and now he can't, that's the whole point of the song! It wouldn't be as powerful otherwise!"

Rowlf threw up his hands and played as Shatner suddenly splashed down safely, clearly opposite of what Rowlf sang. "Ground Control to Major Tom; your circuit's dead, there's something wrong! Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you…"

"Here am I having splashed down safely," Kirk sang, "looking at the moon."

From the balcony, elderly hecklers Statler and Waldorf finished the song. "They ruined that song," Statler sang.

"Oh what a buffoon," Waldorf finished.

"I always knew William Shatner overacted, but that's not Shatner; it's Captain Kirk!" Statler explaimed.

"Great, maybe he can beam us out of here!"

"I can't believe you did that," McCoy complained. "The whole power of that is the danger of space travel. The fact people risk their lives! Forget Spock's pointy-eared logic, you ruined the song's effect."

Waldorf looked at Statler. "Hey, didn't your daughter marry a McCoy?"

"You're right," Statler said, suddenly realizing. "No wonder that Dr. McCoy's so good at heckling Spock! He's a direct descendant!"

Koozbanians sang a song with dazzling special effects - unfortunately, some of them were phasers and more photon torpedoes that did even more damage to the back of the set.

"Never thought I'd see this, but they're brining down the house!" Waldorf said.

"Good, maybe it'll be razed by the time the show's over!" came the comeback.

The scene shifted to a hospital operating room. Dr. McCoy wais in the hospital scene with Rowlf, Janice, and Piggy; Gonzo was the patient."

Announcer: And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing storrrrrrrry of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Rowlf came in a little out of breath. "Sorry I'm late, I just got done with a great round of golf and had to change my scrubs."

"But, Dr. Bob," Janice protested, "this is a very delicate case, it's why you called in a specialist, Dr. McCoy. You should have been prepared."

"I did; I had a pair of scrubs on, but then I got a hole in one," Rowlf said.

"We should do better jokes than that, I'm a doctor, not a second grader," McCoy said, knowing the joke was very simple and old.

"He's right," Piggy asserted. "Business comes first, your tee time comes later."

"Okay." Rowlf pulled out a cup of tea and handed it to Dr. McCoy. "Here, Dr. McCoy, hold my teacup, Nurse Piggy said to think about tea time later."

"Hold your cup? I'm a doctor, not a saucer."

Rowlf put it down. "Fine, be that way. Nurse, update Dr. McCoy on the problem."

"He was attacked by chickens when he kept firing them out of a cannon," Piggy explained.

"Yeah, they didn't like it; they really bawked at it."

"Dr. Bob, this is serious. We need to hold the chickens at bay while we operate," Janice insisted.

McCoy protested again. "Hold the chickens at bay; I'm a doctor, not a chicken coop!"

"You don't have to be." Rowlf picked up a chicken. "Here's the culprit, and here's a pot. Go make some chicken pot pie!"

"There's no chicken pot pie here, just a chicken and a pot."

"No, no, you make pie."

McCoy countered, "I'm a doctor, not 3.14159..."

"This concludes Veterinarian's Hospital," came the announcer's voice.

"Thanks for the interruption; I could have had to go on forever with the digits to pi."

"Tune in next week when you will hear Nurse Piggy say…"

"Not that kind of pie! Look, just do the operation!" she told Dr. McCoy.

"I'm a doctor, not a…" He stopped himself. "Oh, yeah, I am a doctor." He looked at Gonzo. "Purple with a hook for a nose; seems I treated an alien like you once."

"Hey, you hinted at something that might be from a far distant Muppet movie," Piggy said. "What's going on here?"

"Well, this problem is common. After all, with Dr. McCoy and I you've got the most common problem when it comes to time travel," Rowlf said.

Janice dared to ask, "What's that, Dr. Bob?"

"A paradox!"

Dr. McCoy came backstage, and met Kirk and Spock. "If this isn't the craziest place I've been…"

"Easy Bones, Kermit said they're working on it; I'm sure Scotty is from his end, too." Kirk sighed. All those puns were nothing compared to what I have to do, though. That…pig is what we used to call a prima donna on Earth; Spock, I don't know if you're familiar with those."

Spock shook his head. "I am not, Captain. However, given her demeanor, I would recommend that you refrain from any puns involving pigs, or any terms associated with them."

"Don't worry, Spock, I will; I think Bones had enough puns for all of us after that last sketch." Kirk walked up to Miss Piggy and Kermit, with Spock and McCoy following.

"All right. Are we going on or not?" Piggy asked insistently.

"Well, yes…I guess," Kirk said, not knowing what to explect.

Piggy turned to Kermit. "Then I must say farewell, my love. For I am off to the stars. And when you see them at night, you can know that I am where I truly belong. Thank you, Kermit, for giving me my freedom to go with the great James T. Kirk!"

"Yeah, Piggy. Whatever."

Miss Piggy was in a fancy dress on a balcony, with Kirk – looking confused but determined to play this part - on the ground. Both hammed it up like crazy. "Hark! What light!…through yon window breaks!" Kirk asked as a window broke somewhere. He gave a strange look, then shook it off and continued. "'Tis the east and Juliet…oh, Juliet…is…the sun!" He flailed his arm wildly. "Ow, I think I just separated my shoulder. Arise, fair sun! And…"

"Oh Romeo!" Piggy said, twirling around once, bounces off the balcony. "Romeooooooo!" She bent so overdramatically over the balcony she fell over, to be caught by Kirk. "Wherefore art thou…Romeo?!"

"Ahhhh…Juliet…what's…in a name? A…a rose…a simple rose! By any…any other name! Would…smell…as sweet!" Kirk emphasized.

"Oh, let us end this charade, and take me home with you, James Kirk! For I am madly in love with the greatest captain who has ever lived!"

"That pig's ruining Shakespeare," Waldorf complained.

"Well, this proves there's no way Bacon would have written Shakespeare, then," Statler cracked.

Back on stage, Kirk put her down, realizing he didn't want a pig following him around. "No…I cannot! For I must leave with…my ship!"

"Oh, but what about us?"

"Piggy…you wouldn't be happy…your place is here. If you don't go with Kermit, you'll regret it. Maybe not today…and maybe not tomorrow…but soon! And for the rest of your life!"

"Oh, but we could have something so special together!" Snidely, she added, "You sure don't mind what other aliens you go out with."

Captain Kirk ran off the set, with Miss Piggy chasing him. Soon, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew introduced himself and the newest marvel from Muppet Labs.

"My assistant Beaker and I have perfected something for Star Trek fans everywhere. Thanks to Muppet Labs' special creation, we can now take an ordinary billiard ball and grow on this flat, smooth surface, perfect Spock ears. Show the audience, Beaker," Honeydew requested.

Beaker held up a cue ball with large, pointed ears on it like Mr. Spock's. "Mee mee."

"Thank you, Beaker," Bunsen said. "As you see, we took this plain, smooth billiard ball, and managed to grow perfect Spock ears. Now Star Trek fans all over, with this secret chemical…"

As Bunsen pointed to the chemical, a series of Anything Muppets – human-looking Muppets with funny looking hair – came in with pool cues and held up a bunch of billiard balls. Every billiard ball had pointy ears."

"There they are!" one cried.

"They ruined our billiard tournament!" another shouted.

" We can't play billiards with balls that have these unsightly ears all over them!"

The Anything Muppets went around smashing things and spilling everything with the pool cues. The chemical was splashed onto Bunsen and Beaker as they were knocked down in the melee. When they arose, they had Spock ears covering their bodies!

Once the other Muppets left, Beaker looked in the mirror. "Mee mee…mee! Mwoo! Mwaa!"

"Oh dear," Bunsen said, "we seem to have ears sprouting everywhere. Well…I guess it's back to the drawing board…but first we need to come up with something that removes ears, I suppose…"

Backstage, Robin asked worriedly, "Uncle Kermit, they didn't try to do that just because I didn't have real ears, did they?"

" No, Robin, don't worry, it wasn't your fault. They had that planned before you even knew; it was totally on their own." He then muttered to himself, "Which is actually more worrisome."

"Good. Good luck in the final number, Uncle Kermit. By the way, how did those people turn into the characters like that?"

"I think some interspatial flux caused a massive distortion in the time space continuum when pulsating ions accidentally came in contact with sub-elemental dilithium."

Robin suggested, "Or, maybe a bunch of Trekkies like me just wished real hard."

"Or that, yeah."

Kermit went out on stage. "Thank you, we hope you've enjoyed the show. For our final number, we'd like to present something done as a special request by our guest, because of...ah...well, you'll see."

Kermit's voice sounded as a ship passed by. "Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise…"

The scene, however, was the bridge of the Swinetrek. The Enterprise was on the viewscreen in front of them

"This is an unusual ending you've requested."

"It was necessary to get us home," Kirk said. "Piggy, open hailing frequencies."

Miss Piggy pressed a button, and a large set of hailstones was sent toward the Enterprise."

"Uh, never mind. Does this thing have transportation facilities?" Kirk asked.

Fozzie Bear, who was one of the crew for this skit, said, "No, but it has bathroom facilities."

"Perhaps we should ask them to beam aboard," Spock suggested.

After he said this, a large board, three feet by five feet, materialized on board the Swinetrek.

McCoy glared. "Well, are you happy Spock? All those times you took things literally and it came back to bite you."

Animal came running onto the set. "Star Trek! Star Trek! Aaaah!" He jumped up at Spock and caught Spock's arm with his mouth, hanging there.

"Forget I said anything," McCoy said.

The title "The" appeared on the screen, just as a title would appear in a "Star Trek episode, though it was on the bottom so things could be seen.

Mr. Scott's face appeared on the view screen. "Cap'n, what's goin' on here? I see all kinds of animals around ye. What is this?"

Captain Link Hogthrob looked at the title. "It appears to be 'The'."

"The what?" Scotty wondered.

Scooter pointed at it. "No, not 'The What,' just 'The.' See?"

"Just 'The,' that's it?" Kirk asked.

Spock explained that, "'It' was the title of a rather bad science fiction movie on Earth in the 20th century."

"I doon't care what it isn't, ye still haven't told me what this is."

"This is "The," Sir," Scooter said.

"The Sir?"

"No, Sir, not 'The Sir,' just 'The,' Sir."

Scotty had to admit, "I think the universal translator's not workin'."

"I think that's the title. This might be something interesting to explore," Dr. Strangepork said.

"I would consult my science station," Spock offered, "if I could get this thing off my arm."

Animal released Mr. Spock and looked at the word "The" on the screen. "Ahhh, explore! Arrrggghhh!" Animal dove into the word "The", it broke and vanished, but Animal disappeared.

At a loss to explain what had just happened, Captain Kirk said, "We're in a place where animals and such can talk; and apparently we replaced actors who play us in a TV show. It would definitely be worth sending a party to explore further."

"It sounds intriguing, but I can't defy the laws of physics."

"Why not? Animal just did," Dr. McCoy remarked.

Animal came back carrying a dirty diaper. Fozzie explained, "Someone must have been changing a child's diaper when he went through the screen."

"Trash cans are over there. We're actually better equipped than the Enterprise," Scooter told him.

Scotty had a weird look on his face. "Aye. I think we all need a vacation. Anyway, we seem to have fixed the transporter glitch."

"Yes, Scotty," Captain Kirk said, "you mentioned something about some interspatial flux causing a massive distortion in the time space continuum just before this happened."

"Well, Sir, it was either that, or a buncha people wishin' real hard. We're ready to beam ya out."

"Thanks, Scotty," Kirk said, trying hard to hide his relief.

"Before we go," Mr. Spock said, "there's a young frog who asked about bathrooms. I didn't get the chance to explain where they were and how we managed when on planets for a long while." He left.

"A frog askin' about ye? This is one weird place ye visited, Sir. Are ye sure you're all right?" Mr. Scott asked as Bunsen and Beaker walked onto the ship.

Bunsen turned to Dr. McCoy. "Thank you, Doctor, for finding a way to cure us - my assistant and I had Spock ears all over our bodies before you discovered a way to get them off while keeping our real ones."

"On second thought," Mr. Scott said, totally baffled by that comment, "maybe I better make sure I'm all right after hearin' weird stuff like that."

"Don't worry, we'll explain it sometime." Mr. Spock returned, and Kirk finished by saying, "Three to beam out." They beamed out and disappeared.

The actors were back to their normal selves. "Well, that's about all the time we have for tonight," Kermit said just before the close.

Statler and Waldorf rushed in at that moment. "Captain Kirk, please, beam us up with you!" Statler begged.

"We'll do anything," his friend said. "We'll even be red-shirted ensigns and face almost certain death on away missions!"

"Yeah, as long as we don't have to stay and watch this show!" Statler declared.

"Sorry, guys," Kirk said, "that temporal displacement or whatever is fixed now. You can't go to the Enterprise's time."

"You mean we're stuck here!" Waldorf complained.

"It could be worse. It you went, you might have had to appear in the episode Spock's Brain," Scooter joked. "I heard everyone think sthat episode was horrible."

"Or, been red shirted ensigns," Robin pointed out.

"Oh, the horror!" Waldorf said, sounding like he was in pain.

Statler agreed promptly. "Yes, yes, you're right, here is much better!"

"Well, thanks to all for making this a much better episode than that; and tune in next week for the Muppet Show!" Kermit declared.


End file.
